Technical How-To: Changing Oil

This weeks post is brought to you by the letters "L" and the number 0. Representing, respectively, the nature of my work (Lousy, lame, loathsome, loquaciousOk, that's not really an appropriate adjective, but I was running out of Ls and felt like 4 words was better than three) and the amount of time I have available to write this (0 hrs). So then, I will today leave you with a slightly edited version of something I lifted off the net years ago. It's posted all over the place, but my version is better! :)

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change -$20.00, Coffee -$1.00, Total - $21.00.

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box-end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil splashing it all over you in the process. 11b)Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
13) Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
14) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
15) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
16) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
17) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.
18) Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
19) Drink a beer.
20) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
21) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
22) Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to auto parts store to recycle.
23) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during steps 17-22.
24) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
25) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
26) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
27) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
28) Remember drain plug from step 11.
29) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
30) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
31) Drink beer.
32) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
33) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
34) Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
35) Drink beer.
36) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame of car.
37) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 36.
38) Begin cussing fit.
39) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
40) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992)
41) Beer.
42) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
43) Beer.
44) Beer.
45) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
46) Beer.
47) Lower car from jack stands.
48) Accidentally crush remaining bottles from case of new motor oil.
49) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
50) Accedentally crush remaining beer from last trip to 7 - 11.
51) Move car forward again to apply kitty litter to fresh beer that was backed over during step 49.
52) Test drive car.
53) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
54) Car gets impounded.
55) Call loving wife, make bail.
56) 12 hours later, retrieve car from impound yard.

image via wpclipart.com